You're not a man if you do these things.

Here are 25 things that men don't do. If you're a man you already know this.

1. If you cuss and use course language around proper women and little ones, you’re not a man.

2. If you would rather be on welfare than work a job that’s “beneath your dignity”’ you’re not a man.

3. If you think a person doesn’t have a right to own a gun, you’re not a man.

4. If you think it’s alright to cheat on your wife, you’re not a man.

5. If you kick dogs, you’re not a man.

6. If you’re a bigot, you’re not a man.

7. If you hate your country, you’re not a man.

8. If you insist everyone be a vegetarian, you’re not a man.

9. If you want the government to take care of you, you’re not a man.

10. If you think you’re entitled to some thing more than the opportunity to succeed, you’re not a man.

11. If you’ll trade your principals when the going gets tough, you’re not a man.

12. If you beat on women, you’re not a man.

13. If you won’t give up your seat for a senior citizen, woman, or someone who can't stand, you’re not a man.

14. If you can’t handle your liquor but insist on drinking till you barf or start crying in the gutter, you’re not a man.

15. If you whine every time life gives you a bad break, you’re not a man.

16. If you’re willing to give up the good fight because it’s getting hard, you’re not a man.

17. If you brag about your sexual exploits, you’re not a man.

18. If you talk bad about others for no good reason, you’re not a man.

19. If you can’t own up to your mistakes, you’re not a man.

20. If you take credit for others accomplishments, you’re not a man.

21. If you think you’re bigger than God, you’re not and you’re not a man.

22. If you need a teleprompter to give a speech, you’re not a man.

23. If you beat little kids, you’re not a man.

24. If you’re freeloading off your parents (or anyone for that matter), you’re not a man.

25. If you can’t grit your teeth and tough it out when the ‘you know what’ hits the fan, you’re not a man.

Men need a code to live by. A pretty good one is found in the Bible. Take a look at Psalm 1, for starters.

How does a man sleep in a manly way?

How does a man sleep?

No one knows.
Men know sleeping is a sign of weakness so men don’t get caught sleeping.


So how do men not get caught sleeping? Let’s say you’ve had a good night and some dame is lucky enough to share your bed. If you’re a man, you’ll learn to pretend your asleep while remaining completely alert of your surroundings and then as soon as the dame nods off, you’ll quietly slip out of bed and go about your business.

Or if you’re sleeping alone, you’ll set up alarms so that if someone comes within range of your weapon of choice, you’ll be alert, armed and dangerous before they can get the drop on you.


One good way to make sure you’re an alert sleeper is to get yourself a La-Z-Boy recliner. Put it in the corner of your room so you can observe all windows and doors in the room. For lighting purpose, make sure you’re back-lit or better yet in the shadows.


Keep a bottle of whiskey and a loaded .45 on the table next to you. Keep a back up pistol tucked in the cushion of the chair so that when you’re reclining with your arms crossed (Indian chief style) you can easily grab the pistol in an across the body draw.


Leave the shotgun on the floor next to the chair so you can easily roll out of the chair a grab the shotgun.


With this type of set up, anyone who happens to get a glimpse of how a man sleeps probably won’t live long enough to tell anyone.


Remember your bed is a playground. The recliner is where you sleep.


This man has set up a great decoy. The Tec 9 is not within arms reach but its placement under the lamp draws the intruder's attention to it. This will allow the man ample time to grab his Glock 21 and put 7 or 8 rounds down range before the intruder even knew what hit him. The placement of the lamp also allows the man to keep to the shadows. A simple role to the left and the shot gun on the far side of the chair is in reach. How do we know the Tec 9 is just a decoy gun? The Tec-9 is a piece of crap used by novice gang bangers and low budget Hollywood movies directors.

The Manly Supper

The Manly Supper

First you’re going to have supper, not dinner. Dinners are formal stuffy affairs.

This is pretty simple. The manly supper is:
Steak (the rarer, the better) , baked potato, green beans, baked beans w/ bacon, Texas toast and a pint of Stout. After the meal have a shot of whiskey or jagermeister to help with the digestion. Then maybe a slice of hot pie (apple, peach, pecan or rhubarb) and some coffee.

But what about when you can’t get the manly supper or you have a hankering for something else?

Pork chops, macaroni & cheese, apple sauce, baked beans w/ bacon, corn bread, a pint of pilsner
Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, creamed corn, green beans, pint of lager
Slab of ribs, baked potato, baked beans w/ bacon, cob of corn, pint of lager
Fish ,fries, slaw, cottage cheese, hunk of French bread, butter, coffee or a pint of pilsner.
A bunch of southern fired chicken, biscuits, pan gravy, and mashed potatoes, green beans a pilsner.
Southern fried steak, biscuits, pan gravy, and mashed potatoes, green beans, a lager.
A good mulligan stew and a stout beer.
Bowl of hot spicy chili thick enough to pave your driveway and a pilsner
Soup beans (pinto or northern), cornbread, coffee (black)
Lasagna w/ meat sauce or Italian sausage, garlic bread, a pint of pilsner


Some people may ask about wine. Figure it out yourself Clarence. I can’t hold your hand forever.


Green stuff: Be very careful with vegetables. If you eat too many your testicles will shrivel up and fall off. If you think you need more vegetables you should probably have another drink. But if you just like vegetables then consider manly vegetables such as Kimchi or Kraut. Avoid stuff like broccoli or celery stalks. Celery stalks are for Bloody Marys and that’s strictly breakfast food.

Salads is chick food and should never be a meal in itself. If in a moment a weakness you decide to have a salad, for chrissake dump about a ½ pound a crushed up bacon on top and use lots of croutons and thick ranch dressing to offset the “chick effect”. Make sure it’s iceberg lettuce and tomatoes. It really shouldn’t have anything else but if you insist then add some carrots or onions. Don’t add sprouts or spinach or any of the nonsense or you may be forced to turn in your man card..

Soups can be tricky. It should by thick and hearty. It should contain dead animal parts as a main ingredient. Avoid soups that sound French. Soup is just part of meal and should not be considered a main course. If you’re eating soup as a meal you’re either a sick kid or a geezer with no teeth.


Steak and baked potato. God's gift to man.

Still to come:
Exotic and ethnic foods for the manly man.
Camp food and cooking out
Snacks
Pizza & bar foods.
The dreaded wedding food..

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The Manly Lunch

Let's get this straight: Saps "Do lunch" Men grab something to eat. You grab lunch when life allows it or when you demand it. It's always with the boys or alone. If a man meets a skirt for lunch, food ain't on his mind!


Now let's get down to the eating type of lunch. Unless you’re in a diner or grabbing something 'to go' from a diner, deli or hot dog stand, lunch means sandwiches made with cold-cuts. It should be toted around in a small igloo cooler. A bag of plain chips or Fritos, thermos of black coffee, or may three or four cans of cola should be included, plus maybe an apple or a pickle. Your sandwich choices are:


Balogna & American on white (or just plain Bologna)
Ham & Swiss on Rye w/ Mayo
Spam on white or rye
Liverwurst on Rye or White
Hard Salami & Colby, on Rye
Head cheese on dark rye.


Now if you’re hitting a diner, deli or take out, your options increase:


BLT
Italian Beef sandwich w/hot peppers and fries, coffee (black) or a beer
Italian Sausage sandwich w/ fries, coffee (black) or a beer
Brat w/kraut and fries, coffee (black) or a beer
Hotdog w/mustard, onions, relish & peppers w/ fries, coffee (black) or a beer
Reuben, side of fries. a beer
Patty Melt, side of fries, a beer
And ever popular sub (hoagie, hero) with the works and hot peppers.
Liver & onions, mashed potatoes, black coffee.
Chili over a plate of rice, coffee (black) or a beer
Coffee (black) or a beer


You should always have at a minimum 2 sandwiches atlunch (unless you’re just having a cup of coffee or a beer). This is also your chance to get some vegetables in your diet. Any sandwich can go “Dagwood.” Just add lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, kruat, olives, etc. Don't be a doofus. You're not putting on sprouts or stuff that looks like leaves. Its your basic iceberg lettuce. Any time you add all those veggies you need yellow mustard and mayo!

Burgers are strictly bush league and should be reserved for cook-outs, where they become manly. If the situation allows it, you can always have a beer in place of the black coffee.



Spam straight from the can is a time tested manly delicacy. An excellent choice for the man on the go!

Manly Extra: What is this comportment stuff?

Clarence in Spokane is confused about comportment. He was wondering if I could provide a visual example of how one comports himself in a manly manner. I suppose I could go out to Spokane and slap Clarence around a bit but if he’s the mamma’s boy I think he is, he’d probably sue me instead of taking it like a man. Plus the lesson would be wasted as only Clarence would benefit from it. Instead, I’m going to suggest 101 minute primer to identifying manly. If you want to know manly, if you need an example of how to be manly then watch the Maltese Falcon. This movie gives you an example of every type of man there is. For those who need a scorecard, here’s the skinny.

Sam Spade (Humphrey Bogart) Manly (good guy)
Kasper Gutman (Sydney Greenstreet) Manly (evil guy)Joel Cairo (Peter Lorre) The Mamma’s boy
Wilmer Cook (Elisha Cook Jr.) The Macho guy
Miles Archer (Jerome Cowan) The Sap
District Attorney Bryan (John Hamilton) the weasel

Brigid O'Shaughnessy (Mary Astor) Trouble
Iva Archer (Gladys George) Trouble
Effie Perine (Lee Patrick) Trustworthy Gal Pal. (Something every man should have.)
The rest of the men fall in the Real Man / Regular Joe category.

There are two qualities possessed by Spade that let you know right away he’s the good manly guy. He has a code to live by and he won’t play the sap for anyone.

There are two qualities that let you know Gutman is the evil manly guy. He has minions and driven by an obsession. Good manly guys have pals not minions.

Watch the movie, study it, and you too may have a shot at manliness.



The Maltese Falcon, a study of comportment. A necessary primer for any male aspiring manliness.

Manly Extra: What's is the Manliest of Sports"

“Morris” from Arkansas asked: “What is the manliest of sports?”

Well Morris, this is a question that has caused many a bar fights. Is it hunting? Stock car racing? Boxing? Foot ball? Hockey? The answer is simple. It’s the sport you’re playing so long as your intention is to win and in the process you kick the snot out of your opponent. The purpose of sports is character building through competition. The strong survive the weak fall by the wayside. Not everyone wins and don’t let a bunch of sissified sniveling sociologists tell you otherwise. Remember comportment. It isn’t what you do its how you do it. If you’re playin’ to win, then even soccer can be manly!

Play hard, kick ass and take names. And remember the losers buy the first round after the game. And if some skirt wants to play with you, don’t give ‘em a break. If you do, you’ll wind up on your ass. Because any skirt who wants to run with the big dogs is going to be out for blood and is playing to win. Don’t be a sap. She won’t respect you unless you play hard. Knock her down and make sure you fall on top! This may be hard in say, a game of darts at the local pub, but be creative. Find a way!

With that said and just to entice a bar fight. In my opinion the manliest sport is taking an eight second ride on a bull, especially if your idea of head protection is a cowboy hat.



Good fun, Good times. Most fun a man can have in 8 seconds!

The Manly Breakfast

Last we talked about food in general. Now we discuss what a man should eat when he wakes up. First you need to find a good diner or truck stop and belly up to the counter. It should be local and should never be a chain. Once you become a regular, the waitress or the owner will know exactly what you want and when you want it. Your seat will always be waiting for you and your breakfast will appear within minutes of you showing up. They'll be pouring your first cup of coffee before your ass is on your seat. This is why you'll never choose a chain. You can't get that type of service in a Denny's. Remember you're a regular. Tip big. Your waitress is a hard working gal and will keep the coffee flowing at the envy of all the other diners.

Below are your manly choices of meals. If your diner doesn't serve them, find a new diner!

Acceptable Breakfast meals:

Breakfast should always come with: toast (white bread) w/ butter, coffee (black) unless otherwise noted.

1. Steak, eggs, home fries.-- Preferred over everything else.

2. ggs over easy, corned beef hash.

3. Bacon (at least a ½ pound) eggs.

4. Oatmeal or Grits w/butter and salt.

5. Ham (at least a ½ pound) eggs.

6. Cereal* (corn flakes or Cheerios) w/ whole milk. (goes good with a hangover)

7. Pork chops eggs, hash browns, apple fritters.

8. S.O.S (Gravy over white toast), Scrambled Eggs, coffee (black)

9. Spam and eggs on white toast, coffee (black) (normally a home type meal but once you're a regular, your diner will make it for you.)

10. Bloody Mary. (The only place a celery stalk is allowed!) Also this a breakfast you'll have to make yourself or can go to your local saloon(if it's open). Diners, as a rule don't serve Bloody Marys but if you become a regular, you might just luck out!)

11.Shot of Whiskey. (for when you have a cold and need to get moving fast. Again not at the diner normally, but for a regular, the waitress or owner will add a jigger to your coffee or look the other way when you open your hip flask.)

Serving notes.

Eggs are always served scrambled, sunny side or over easy and very runny . Have at least 3 or 4 eggs at a time, never just two!

Cereal is tricky. Never eat cereal more than two days in a row. You’re not a kid anymore and you’re not ready for the retirement home yet!

Sure you can have a piece of fruit or some juice with your breakfast. But remember that ain't breakfast. That's just for your sweet tooth.

Bagle, muffins, granola, fruit cups and crepes are all off limits. The occasional donut is OK.

These meals suggestions do not include breakfast while hunting, fishing, or camping. We'll cover "Camp Food" later!

Steak, eggs, home fries and toast The perfect beginning of the day.

***

Manly Food

Manly Food.

What constitutes manly food? Well probably the manliest of foods is stuff you hunted down, shot, dressed and cleaned yourself; say deer, big horn sheep, elk, etc. Then there is fish that you actually caught. That aside, you need to be eating meat and plenty of it. Potatoes go good with meat, and I suppose if you want to eat something green you can always try green beans. Beans are also a great choice. They were a staple on cattle drives so they should be good enough for you too! Chili and Stews are always acceptable unless they’re vegetarian. Obviously there are other dishes. If you’re getting’ something foreign avoid stuff and food that sounds French or begins with the word crème. If you’re in a foreign country look for the for stuff that should make a billy-goat gag. You don’t want to end up with an Asian cousin of “chicken nuggets” Try the calves’ brain or eel intestines. You didn’t invade a foreign land just to eat a Big Mac!

Also don’t go around eating stuff made with ground turkey. That’s just stupid. And let’s make this clear: you are not to eat salad. You feed the salad to rabbits to fatten it up so you can use it as bait when you go alligator trapping. Got it? Good.

At no time eat quiche or chocolate mousse. Leave it to the French to screw up eggs and chocolate pudding.

Never ever should eat bagels, muffins, or an “energy” bar. Anything that says “low sodium” means you’re going to need to add salt. If you get something marked low-cal you’ve been ripped off. It means you’ll need to eat 3 or 4 of them to get full.

Next up: The manly menu planner, followed by Snacks and drinking like a man.

Dressing a deer brings out the man in you. It's also great Father-Daughter time. Dressing Barbies or dressing deer? This girl knows what's really fun!

***

What type of firearm should a man have?

The proper question should be, should a man be able to own a firearm? The answer is a resounding yes. Read your 2nd amendment. But even if a man chooses not to own a firearm he should at least be able to use one properly. (Yes, you can be manly and NOT own a firearm – remember comportment. ) There was a time when all men were trained to use weapons by the U.S. of A but now that the commies in Washington abolished the draft you have to actually make a conscience effort to man-up and join the military or learn proper firearms usage by other means.

If you’re too young or old to join the military, you might consider joining the NRA. Despite all the commie propaganda, pushed by the likes of Nancy Pelosi, the NRA is a god fearing organization that loves the USA and believes in the Bill of Rights! It can help you out when it comes to responsible gun ownership.

With that answered. What should you own? Macho idiots will tell you bigger is better. They’ll mention weapons such as the Desert Eagle or AK47. These are people who play too many video games. While the Desert Eagle and the AK47 are good weapons, the truth of the matter is; the right weapon for you really depends on your circumstances.

Here is a handy tip for when it is time to choose the firearm that is right for you. Just answer these four simple questions and you should have no problem choosing the firearm that is right for you. 1. Am I trained to use this firearm? 2. Can I legally own this firearm? 3. Can I securely carry and store this firearm? 4. Will this firearm take out the scumbag I’m shooting at? If the answer to these four questions is yes, then this is the right firearm for you.

Consider the double barrel 12 gauge shotgun.

or maybe the the M1 Garand. It won us World War II.


Rugged and simple. Nothing says "man" like a Single Action Colt revolver.

Jack's Manly Tip of the Week

It’s hard to imagine that men need tips on how to be manly but after 40 years of being assaulted by political correctness, foisted on this great nation by a bunch of commie momma-boys, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that men don’t know how to be manly. All real men aspire to be manly. We used to learn how to be manly when we were kids. We learned it in school out on the playground. But the politically correct momma’s boys somehow got in control of our government, our schools, and the air ways and took this a way from up. Now we have grown men walking the street like cattle because they never learned how to stand up to bullies when they were five years old. Instead their manhood was stolen by a singing purple dinosaur and the Children’s Television Workshop. This is what the commies wanted.

Being a man (that is manly) is a simple matter of comportment. Yeah. It’s a big word. It means “how you carry yourself.” It’s the way you breathe, the way you talk, the way you react to a given situation. Once you start carrying yourself in a manly way, you’ll become manly, you’ll be a man.

Now some males will ask if I do these things will I be able to score with the ladies? The simple answer is that ain’t the point of being manly! One doesn’t become manly to score with the ladies! If you try to become manly just to score with the ladies, you’ll turn into some macho dick-weed guy. These tips are so you can become manly. If you achieve manliness, then women will be naturally attracted to you. You won’t need to “score.” Like I said it’s all about comportment.

Before I can tell you how to be manly, you need to know what manly is. So your first tip is going to be an explanation of different types of men.

Manly Man: He is what every real man aspires to be. He’s tough, reliable and doesn’t suffer fools. He doesn’t look for trouble but he will not avoid it. He won't be wronged. He won't be insulted. He won't be laid a-hand on. He doesn’t do these things to other people, and he requires the same from other. Above all he won’t be a Sap.

Real Man: The real man will do whatever it takes to get the job done. They may or may not be married. Occasionally he rises to the occasion when inspired by a Manly man. He’d prefer to lead but will follow if he has to.

The Regular Joe. The Regular Joe is an alright guy. He’s likable and treats people with respect. He is often married or in a committed relationship. He floats there between the Real Man, the Macho Guy, and the Momma’s Boy. He blends in with the scenery. He does most of the work and takes it on chin every day. This is probably the category of 85% of the male population. He also aspires to be manly.

The Sap. The sap is a man who falls for a dame that’s no good. It can happen to just about any man. When it happens, his life is ruined. The only way he can stop being a sap is by realizing he’s a sap. No one can tell him this; he has to figure it out on his own.

The Macho Guy: The macho guy is vermin. He gives men a bad name. He was the school yard bully. He builds up his ego by talking tough and preying on the weak. He treats women like a piece of meat. He swears a lot and is always talking about the “big game” back in high school. He’s often mistaken for a manly man but with training even the lowliest momma’s boy will be able to spot this poser of manhood.

The momma’s boy. Okay. Lets’ get this straight. We’re not talking about sexual orientation here. We also aren’t talking about physical strength. We’re talking about the spineless and the gutless. Audie Murphy wasn’t big and strong but by God he was Manly! There’s a variety of momma’s boys but most are harmless and of little or no concern to society as a whole. The momma’s boy we need to look out for is the Weasel. The weasel is the one who manages to achieve power through unsavory means and back room deals. Weasels are often drunk with power. The weasel will use this power to try and make everyone subservient to him. Most weasels do this by becoming politicians or powerful businessmen. In the end all they care about is themselves and gaining more power. Adolf Hitler was a weasel. You see where he took us!

The Little Guy. The little guy is a special type of momma boys. He good for laughs and most manly men like to have him around. The best thing about the little guy is the manly man knows he can trust him with his special gal. The little guy will also always try to have the big guy’s back when things get tough. When this happens hilarity will often ensue. Most people know that to mess with the little guy is a personal affront to the manly man. Little Guys come in all shapes and sizes and can also be of any age.

The Mentor. The mentor is old manly man who, even from his nursing home bed or his rusty wheel chair is still more man than a manly man. They are few and far between these days.


Next week we’ll start giving tips. If you have a question you need answered email the manly advisor at hangman.ketch@gmail.com